Last Train Running

The band Whiskey Falls has a song called Last Train Running. It is song written about regret, and looking back at the end of one's life. I am not saying that I am approaching the end of my life (I hope) even though I am approaching another birthday. I am long past the birthdays that I look forward to, since all they signify at this point is another year has passed and many of the things that I want for myself are still slipping through my fingers like water.
Such thoughts often come at an earlier time in the morning, just before the first rays of day poke through the black inky blanket of night. For the fortunate few, these thoughts are there when the sun forces open one's eyes at daybreak. But back to the song. Why I bring up this song is this. I sometimes see that last train coming, and know I will not catch it. The last chance to change something. Many of us cannot see that train, and this is a blessing. Doors close, and many of us don't realize it, not knowing until after we have passed that some things that could have been are not. The last train has a lonely whistle, its mournful song calling to each of us, pleading to our deepest recesses to take that passing hand hold and go for a ride.
Why do I know that this time, this time I won't take it? Because I know myself, and that fear of change will hold my outstretched arm back. It won't let me open my hands, and pull myself into a choice that I want very deeply. This fear is caused by doubt, a wretched cancer of the soul that eats away at the heart, slowly killing my will. It says that even if I do, I will not catch that train, I will fall onto the tracks, crushed and never to rise again. Even though this has happened more times than I can remember, my heart tells me that yes, this will be the one time that my grasp is strong enough, and that which I desire will happen. Because it has to. But there is still that doubt, that black hole that remembers the pain that will come, and its voice rasps that one more blow could just be the one that ends the journey once and for all. It is better to take the pain of regret, and suffer standing there on the platform.
Why do I put myself through this? Could it be that I know that maybe I am not ready to cash it in? Might there be a train that I will take, one that will take me to new and exciting places? This coming train looks like it is a good one, one that promises everything that I want. I am not concerned that if I do take this last train, that it will live up to its promise. Once the decision is made, I know that things will be as advertised. It is the fact that even if I want to get on, I might not be able to get the passing train, because perhaps my tickets are not correct or more likely, I arrive at the station too late, and it leaves because I am just not fast enough.
Is there anything that can be done? If I knew for certain, I would not be despondent. At this time, there are only two things that I am for certain about. One, even if it is not the "right" train, it would be leaving the station, and taking me someplace else. "Right" is also a changing matter of perspective. Two, if I stay on the platform and don't even try, then it will be as before. Nothing will happen. I don't want to go through my life and on my deathbed say that I did nothing. Nothing is not a eulogy or an engraving on a tombstone. Nothing is the greatest disappointment. We are not placed on this earth through the miracle of life to do nothing. We are to take chances, and accomplish something, even if to others they are small accomplishments. What others think is of little matter. We can't let the gawking of the vulgar crowd stop us from doing what we wish. It is that same crowd who at their core wishes that they could themselves reach for that train, but take small comfort in those who do so and do not make it.
What will I do? On this I can predict the future. I will arrive at the station, just as that train is leaving. I will cry out, and with all my strength I will grasp at the last car, wanting to hold back the train for just a moment. It is a battle that cannot be won though, and I will fall back, lying on the tracks as one more train leaves without me. Its whistle will fill my ears, and I will close my eyes. I will want another train to come, to finish me off, but alas none will. Finally, I pick myself up and wait for the next one. One of these days I might just actually take it.