A Labyrinth of Love

I just finished watching the movie He's Just Not That Into You. Far from being a normal romantic comedy, it was my impression that for the most part it really nailed many of the problems with getting together. Usually after I watch a movie that I like, I check out the Internet Movie Database to see what the movie snobs have to say, and they did not disappoint. The decried the anti-feminist sentiment and the apparent contradictions with the main message of the movie and its ending. However, as per usual, the snobs got it wrong.
Almost anyone can relate to some of the events in the movie. We have all not called someone, or misinterpreted the signals we have received from the opposite sex. It is part of life. I am going to lay it out plainly. We have some much trouble in finding love because it is supposed to be hard. If it was not it would not be worth it. Men and women are different, but both human. We all suffer throughout life, but hope keeps us alive to the point when we can share and thus lessen our pain. This cannot be done alone. The modern perception of being alone is okay is quite wrong. We are not meant to be alone. If that were the case, we would not have such strong feelings towards our opposites, and dream each night of fulfilling that void until we have done so.
There are some ways in making this easy, which is what the movie (and I believe the book, even though I have not read it) attempts to do. Men and women project their fantasies on real life each day, often building them up from small parts of reality. Often these fantasies might be quite different, but they are geared to fulfilling the same goal. The real challenge is making your fantasy into reality, and deciding if this particular fantasy is truly what one desires.
There are some ways to make this easier. The first is knowing the correct signals. If someone wants to willingly spend time with another, they will make the time. Of course since we are dealing with people, there are caveats, not exceptions. In the movie, Gigi goes from guy to guy, trying to determine just who likes her. Alex gives her actually some good advice, and she acts on it. When a man finds a woman that he likes, there will be no excuses or vagueness. The caveat to this sometimes the man will not admit it to himself, or is too nervous to actually say anything. This is where words can really be thrown out. He might not say it, but if he is spending every night with you or seems to replace your best friends in amounts of time spent, he is into you. He might never say the words, but you can be sure that he means it. This applies for both caveats. The internal liar will eventually figure it out, as Alex did, and nervous guy has planned it out in his head probably a million times but hasn't the guts to do it yet.
The second is the awkward message. We all have left awkward messages. It is that message that you have rehearsed over and over before you make the call, and you end up not sounding cool on the phone. When someone cares about the message, it is nearly impossible to sound cool on the message. Believe me, I have tried. There is a world of difference in a one minute message from someone who cares and someone who doesn't. I have specific training in this. For my job I had to call several people that I had never met each day and set up an appointment with them to meet the next day. When I started, I was self-conscious and felt like I needed each person to say yes. Needless to say it did not go well. When I lost that need, my phone calls went smoother, and almost everyone said yes. When it comes to love, and looking for it, we have been programmed that cool and smooth are desirable, when all they signify is a lack of emotion. It is when we try to achieve that, and fail miserably, that should be the flag that people look for.
This problem is evident in two different ways. Men need to be macho, and women are crazy. As guys we think that women prefer the cool guy, and this is reinforced with our own eyes. The pricks get the chicks. Women think that these emotionless men are what they should be looking for, and this makes them crazy, trying to make them human and not robots.
The next solution derives from this, openness. This is probably the most difficult one of them all. Ben and Janine are not open with each other, and thus their relationship falls apart. Janine forced Ben into their marriage, when Ben was not sure. His fear of being without her forced his hand. This was brought out when Anna appeared on the scene, and tempted him. I am not saying that they did not love each other. What I am saying is that they were missing several elements of a truly good relationship. Ben could not tell Janine that he truly did not want to marry her, and that he had resumed smoking. His heart was not committed. Janine knew this, in her heart, but was not honest with herself until it her facade came shattering down. This goes back to the first rule, people don't do things they don't want to do willingly. It was not a real willing choice to marry Janine, so they were doomed to failure. Neil and Beth were honest and open with each other, with the lone exception that Beth did not tell Neil the impetus for their breakup. However, it did not matter and this brings us to my last point.
The greatest principle you have to remember is that love is greater than anything. Neil's principle against marriage meant nothing compared to his love for Beth. If people truly care for one another, they cease their concerns for themselves and wholly work towards happiness for the other. This othercentric goal is what true happiness really is. As a recap, Alex and Gigi solved their problem by using all four principles. They desired to be together, showed emotion, were finally open with each other and themselves and when their true feelings were obvious to themselves, let nothing stand in their way. Ben and Janine did none of this, and were thus split asunder by the end. Neil and Beth had much of the foundation of a relationship built, but finished their construction by the end.
How does any of this apply to us in the real world? Being open is difficult, almost impossible for some. Some people have a massive difficulty in placing someone else above their own needs and desires, partially due to selfishness and partially due to the modern misconception that you are the most important person to yourself. Many are uncomfortable putting themselves out there each day, looking for the fairy tale and disappointed when they don't find it. Well, in general, the fairy tale is finding that one person who "gets" you and you fall madly in love with them and live happily ever after. The problem with the fairy tale is that people grasp at it, clutching blindly at any possible straw to get there. The fairy tale exists, and does happen, but you have to be patient. You can't convince yourself that you don't need it, because you do.
Speaking from experience, I have over thought almost every romantic situation I have ever been it, molding it to how I would want it to go. It never does, but that does not mean that it never will. The interesting thing is that with each new woman that catches my eye, the fantasy changes in part, and I think that eventually it will resemble actually what occurs before my eyes, not just behind them. All that is required of me is to keep trying, and to keep looking. If I follow my own advice, who knows what will happen.
Cynics will say that I am being naive and unreasonable. Well, love has nothing to do with reason. We are all entitled to have our fantasy, and achieve it as well. Some people fall into it, others make their reality their fantasy, and others still settle for something less. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be settled for.