A Siren's Call In to The Inky Blackness

I am sitting here, wondering what I should write today. Thinking about what this blog means. It is a call into the darkness, the shroud that covers each of our lives. We are each alone with our thoughts, and these are contained within a prison of flesh and bone, rattling around inside our skulls hoping that someone will hear us. Calling out into the vastness of our world, we hope that someone hears it, so our immortal soul can have hope that it is not the only one.
What brings on such dark and brooding thoughts? The lack of another to share them with. This is not to say that there have been possibilities. I have loved three women in my life, truly. The first two were before I left home for the collegiate experience, and the other was in my graduate education. To protect the innocent I will refer to the latter as Mary, which is not her name. Quite possibly to most she would seem unremarkable, but there was something about her that intrigued me. She was short, dirty blonde hair and a playful personality. She had been in some trouble, and being a knight in shining armor I can to her rescue. We became fast friends, talking almost every day and seeing each other at least as often. Her touch soothed the pain inside, and I yearned for more each day, gently prodding for more and more intimacy. She always rebuked me, but I was smitten. In my mind she was for lack of a better term perfect.
I realize that perfection can only be found inside fantasy, but I was living at least a part of it, and I did not want anything to change. My best day with her was a trip to the grocery store. While it might not seem like much, my anguished mind constructed that this day that this would be the picture of a normal couple, something that would fulfill my fantasy. It was not long after that they we had our first and last argument.
She had told me that she was moving far away, and I responded with an unusual hostility towards it. Unusual for me as I keep my passions closely guarded. We did not speak for a month following this argument. This was about the most painful month of my life. I don't know about going cold turkey concerning drugs like cocaine or heroin, but going cold turkey for a person has to approach that level of withdrawal. But, my detoxification was never complete, as she came to me, needed me to help her once again. And just like an addict, I gave into temptation. However, this time it was different. She was more distant, and we never got as close as we were before. She moved at the end of the year.
We talked less and less, and recently I found out that she had gotten engaged. I know that the proper thing to say is that I am happy for her, but that is just not entirely true. There is a part of me that truly feels that, as I always wish for her to be happy. But there is the other part, the part of me that has died. When I was younger, I asked God to squelch the passionate side of me, the part that desires women. When I had asked for it, it had brought me nothing but pain. Almost a decade later, He fulfilled my request, and I sometimes miss it. I have not really been interested in anyone since then, and that pain of not having them has not returned. It has been replaced with nothing. She has been gone almost two years, two years of being half dead.
So, why say all of this, and not take it to the grave? This is my siren call into the inky blackness of the world, hoping to draw those lights out there, if only for them to see me and confirm to myself that I am not truly alone, and that I am not dead.

P.S. A little something more cheery tomorrow. I promise.